Fanfiction Critique

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admin · Site Admin Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 1008

A place authors can post their fanfiction for the specific purpose of it being critiqued by the other members of the forum.

Please offer constructive critisim, advice and comments.

Thank you.
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~Coco Melancholy or ~Coco

Yami no Kaze · Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2006 10:31 pm Post subject:

I've got a few. These are the links.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3102573/1/
Love of the Fallen Rose reviews
Tsusoka oneshot. In a fit of depression, Tsuzuki has told Hisoka that he's in love. Now all he wants is an answer and he's going to get one sooner than he thinks.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3055100/1/
Tatsumi has been possessed. can Watari save him and will he finally be able to tell the secretary what's on his mind...and in his heart? Tatari oneshot

Personally i see my biggest problem as reading over it so many time to make sure there are no errors, i miss some of them. But also i'd like to understand Tatsumi and Watari a little better. can anyone give me pointer based on the above fic to indecate how they would have reacted. *though remember that Tatsumi is possessed in the beginning.* And has it ever been mentioned WHAT kind of shinigami powers Watari has? I'm always left in the dark about that. He seems to be powerless aside from bringing drawings to life, but i've actually yet to see that anywhere so maybe it was one of those fan things?
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admin · Site Admin Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 1008

Love of the Fallen Rose

Baaaaare de ja vu!!

I'm SURE I've read this before somewhere.

The only critque I can give this story is strutcure and just the odd wording, like Hisoka "used" up half of the book. Your writting style there suited the fleeting and sweet sort of fluff of fanfiction writting, so with structure flowing better the feel would have come through more.
Overall that's a damn good one-shot. I enjoyed the little misunderstandings and the snuggly ending. Hisoka worrying about Tsuzuki meaning what he said, or simply talking out of depression, many fic's just have Tsuzuki go 'I love you', and Hisoka taking it as gospel-Tsuzuki is a man who can often spout and act on emotion in the moment. Though he always means it on some level as you've shown. It was sweet Hisoka asking to be kissed and the way you put it together. Enjoyed it much, depesite the fact I'm suuure I've read it before =/

Hope I helped or whatever, sorry if that wasn't much help though.

Masochists to Which I Cater

Watari:

Don't you remeber volume 5, I think, um, and Watari brought Tsuzuki back from the alternative universe by drawing him and reeling him into the YnM world. So the book has shown he does have those powers. Watari's the kind of character who's powers are defintely manipulated by your imagination I think, he hasn't got standard powers, but he's got useful skills that can turn a bad situation around. Expeierments, bringing things to life, mechanic's, and being pretty resilient-more so the other characters.

For good Watari characterisation check out fade to black series-the sequel being secrets and lies and whilst looking for it for you-I found out two years later she's continued the series with through a glass darkly. I know everyone here seems to hate AR's and AU's but the ones I've recommended are pretty good, with excellent characterisation. There's an interesting characterisation of Tatsumi also:

http://brightwanderer.livejournal.com/10124.html

Or you can read it on her site:

http://www.brightwanderer.net/twilight/

Hmm, the grammer and spelling need a nice proof-read, I felt like I was reading my own work @__@. Felt more Tsusoka or is it just me??? Again, structure could flow better, and sometimes there was a bit too much of the word he at the start, and I wasn't sure for awhile who it referred to at points. When Watari hit the ground and you described him being held by Tatsumi-I really felt it, like woh. Strange to imagine Watari whimpering and brought to tears though, even under immense pain, dunno why, he seems even tougher then Tatsumi to me, maybe tearing, gritting teeth or breathing shallowly-that I could imagine instead. Same with his handling of things throughout the fic.

Yami no Kaze · Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 2:31 am Post subject:

^^ not rude at all, silly. no trust me, i know what flames are.

XD yeah i have a nack for using the same word to many times. like suddenly. and i don't realize i do it until months later.

iono, i always thought of Watari as the uke. XD and lets face it, every one of his ribs were broken AND he had shards of metal all over his sides and back. i probably underplayed that scene though.

^^ twee twee, over all appriciated!
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admin · Site Admin Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 1008

Yami no Kaze · Posted: Wed Oct 04, 2006 7:23 pm Post subject:

:p not sure but i did post it here as well.
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admin · Site Admin Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 1008

Oh yeah okay cool fair enough I found it and I commented it on it here. I just looked now. I'm very thick.
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~Coco Melancholy or ~Coco

Jani_chan · Joined: 23 Aug 2006 Posts: 2685 Location: Enma's bed

Hey! Hey!

I know I didn't put in the URL or anything to my fic, but right now, it's the only one I've got on here. It's right in the fanfiction section here^^ Though I'm only done chapter one, could you tell my what you think? I'll take any and all comments^^

Thanks^^

admin · Site Admin Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 1008