Yami no Tenshi (HisxTsu)

Hikari no Tenshi · Joined: 02 Dec 2006 Posts: 23 Location: bubblegum land

I wrote this years ago and i found it today, i figured i would post it and see what you thought. If you hate it please tell me, i like people telling me when my stuff sucks so i can inprove haha ^^. Anyway TsuxHis paring.

He got devoured by the very darkness he created,
the deaths he took one by one took him as well,
he couldn’t stand the very thought of what he did,
so he killed himself.
He had to many sins that he could not forget,
his very soul slipped away,
and he became a guardian of death.
his pains still followed him where ever he went,
for 90 years his heart still was engulfed with despair.
Then an angel rose from the dead,
his name Karasaki Hisoka.
He told him,
'Live for me, if that’s all you do I will be happy...
Tsuzuki'
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Not all confusion will ever be cleared up.
Sometimes it will solidify, still confuse, and attempt to judge the world.
Like a curse, affecting the world with no rhyme or reason...

~ Kouhei Kadono

laustic · Joined: 09 Jul 2006 Posts: 660 Location: Florida

Wow, that's sad, but good. I think it suits Tsuzuki and Hisoka quite well. Good work Smile

Jani_chan · Joined: 23 Aug 2006 Posts: 2685 Location: Enma's bed

awwwww *huggles all* I have to go with Laustic here. Sad, but very good.

Editor · Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 330

I'd permit poetry to go in the fanfiction crits section if you want someone to constructively comment on your writing. Saying that I can't find anything at fault here, this really is a very good poem that suits Tsuzuki and Hisoka on an approitaely sad and deep level, like a flickering movie roll beneath the surface of Tsuzuki's mind.

At the very most I think it could be split in places so some of the lines have more impact, since poetry and layout can be exceedingly cruicial. And maybe it would flow even better with a few words removed, for instance, the "and" in: "he became a guardian of death" and the 9th line could be written like this, "90 years his heart engulfed with despair", the second line is one my favourites but could be tweeked, though honestly I don't know my issue with it since it's one of my favourite lines.

I don't know how much poetry you have on here, but I hope more because I really enjoyed the tone of this and the ending left me with a wistful feeling, and the last word Tsuzuki, almost felt like a whisper.

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